AMAZING FUNNY JOKES

DRIVING JOKE:

2009-06-04T12:45:00.000+06:00

ELDERLY DRIVING JOKE: Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"

SCHOOL JOKES:

2009-06-04T12:39:00.002+06:00

STUDENT IN SCHOOL: After raising four kids and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 20 years - a literature course.The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.The student behind me whispered, "Relax! He's just taking attendance!"

EMPLOYMENT JOKE:

2009-06-04T12:37:00.002+06:00

NEW EMPLOYEE: How to Place New Employees in a Proper Department.Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

MOTHER IN LAW JOKE:

2009-06-04T12:34:00.001+06:00

MOTHER IN LAW: A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man, "Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."

LANDLORD JOKE:

2009-06-04T12:32:00.000+06:00

LANDLORD LETTER: Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until itis cleared.2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the mannext door.3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from thewall.5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and wouldlike a third, so will you please send someone to do something aboutit.9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funnycolor and not fit to drink.10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife gother toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

HELL JOKE:

2009-06-04T12:29:00.000+06:00

BELIEVING THE BIBLE JOKE: A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, "You don't really believe what they say in there, do you?""Every word," she replied."OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the animals - do you believe that?""Absolutely," she said."What about God creating the universe in six days?""All true, I believe every word.""What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in the belly of a whale?" he asks."Yes, I believe that too," she says."Well, how could that be - how did he breathe?""I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him.""What if he's not in Heaven?," the guy asks.The lady replies, "In that case, you can ask him!"

FATHER'S JOKE

2009-06-04T12:26:00.000+06:00

DO YOU KNOW MY FATHER? Teacher: Bob, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?Bob: $10.Teacher: You don't know maths.Bob: You don't know my father! FATHERS'S DAY JOKE: Letters between a son and a father.Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.Love,Your $onThe Reply:Dear Son,I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.Dad

GHOST JOKE:

2009-06-03T11:34:00.000+06:00

GHOST HUNTED A CAR JOKE: A man stood on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look, that's the character who climbed into the car while we were pushing!"

LOVE JOKE:

2009-06-03T11:33:00.000+06:00

FALLING IN LOVE: What happens when you fall in love with:A chef? (You get buttered up.)A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)A gambler? (He cheats on you.)A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)A trashman? (He dumps you.)A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)An artist? (He gives you the brush.)A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)

DAUGHTER JOKE:

2009-06-03T11:25:00.000+06:00

GIRLFRIEND DINNER'S JOKE: A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out, he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move! During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us".A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!" FATHERS AND DAUGHTER JOKE: As I was packing for my business trip, my three-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" PREGNANT DAUGHTER JOKE: A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say "Gimme a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant."The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?""Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."

CULTRAL JOKE:

2009-06-03T11:22:00.000+06:00

CHINESE CULTRAL JOKE: A Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic. My forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same." DIPLOMAT CULTRAL JOKE: Talakistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed."Abul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat."A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abul, "A man is sitting on the well!"

FUNNY JOKE:

2009-06-03T11:21:00.000+06:00

FUNNY JOKE: 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.5. You should not confuse your career with your life.6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.9. Never lick a steak knife.10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)17. Your friends love you anyway.18. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic

CRIMNAL JOKE:

2009-06-03T11:19:00.000+06:00

CRIMNAL JOKE: If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot...*Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.*Don't* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view.When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene."But I know the people who live here" is *Not* a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don't* say, "Well, I can't do that sober!" on camera, and then plead not guilty.If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.*Don't* answer a question with the phrase, "Who me?" when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.*Don't* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through your teeth.*Don't* say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?" before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the trafficstop.*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name.*Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about your birthday.When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by an officer, *Don't* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer's boot.*Do* come up with something better to say than, "These aren't my pants" when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.If you are going to jump into a stranger's fenced back yard *Do* make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.*Don't* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops *Will* probably be able to figure out who dunnit.

DATE JOKE:

2009-06-03T11:14:00.000+06:00

END OF DATING JOKE: BOY: May I hold your hand?GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy.GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!BOY: You love me...GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple. GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.BOY: Don't you ever want to improve?BOY: I love you and I could die for you!GIRL: How soon??BOY: I would go to the ends of the world for you!GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??MAN: You remind me of the sea.WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?MAN: NO, because you make me sick.MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly. VISITING JOKE: A tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to a girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up.She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here.'""Haha!" he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?""I'm just visiting here."

COURT JOKE:

2009-06-03T11:09:00.000+06:00

COURT TRIAL: A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty."But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." LOCKER JOKE: A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q. Officer, who provided this description?A. The officer who responded to the scene.Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?A. Yes sir, with my life.Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?A. Yes sir, we do.Q. And do you have a locker in that room?A. Yes sir, I do.Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?A. Yes sir.Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win.

COOKING JOKE:

2009-06-03T11:06:00.000+06:00

DEFINITION OF COOKING JOKE: Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

CONSULTANT JOKE:

2009-06-03T11:04:00.000+06:00

SPOON IN WAITER POCKET JOKE: Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Kurt Salmon Associates to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?""Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.""After you get it out, how do you put it back?"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon." OLD PROFESSION OF WORLD: physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

CHRISTMAX JOKE:

2009-06-03T11:00:00.000+06:00

CHRISMAX MEMO JOKE: To: All EmployeesFrom: ManagementSubject: Office conduct during the Christmas seasonEffective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday. WISH WOMEN JOKE: Do you know what would have happenedIf they had been Three Wise Women Instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions,Arrived on time, Helped deliver the baby, Cleaned the stable, Made a casserole, Brought practical gifts and There would be Peace On Earth.

CHILDERN JOKES:

2009-06-02T20:26:00.000+06:00

SPEAKING BY SPELLING JOKES: Two snooty women were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed in another room.The daughter of the family was with the two women on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.The child was about six years old. She was snub nosed, spotted with splotchy freckles, buck toothed, and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, "She's not very p-r-e-t-t-y, is she?"Whereupon the child piped up, "Maybe not, but I'm very s-m-a-r-t and I can s-p-e-l-l." KID ASK MOM FOR MONEY JOK: While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her.Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?""What do you say?" she asked.Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."The woman reached in her purse, gave her son money and said, "And get yourself a chocolate bar too!". MOTHER TICKET JOKE: Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his father's side. "Now maybe mother will do the trick she has been promising us."The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked."I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered, "that she would climb the walls if you came to visit."

MOTHER'S DAY JOKE:

2009-06-02T20:23:00.000+06:00

MOTHER'S DAY JOKE: A mother was getting a homemade cherry pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse. Her son had come down with a high fever, and would she come and take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor.She drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed a bit more as the doctor emerged from the examining room and handed her a slip of paper. "Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right away."By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven.At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled, and rushed back to the car, which was locked. There were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car.She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger - which turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she finally found a wire hanger. Hurrying out of the mall, she halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with this!"Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car. Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord. Amen." She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her.A young man, twentyish-looking, in a stained T-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. He was coming her way. When he drew near, she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?"He gaped at her for a moment and then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car?"She had never seen anything like it - it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger, and the door was open. When she saw that, she threw her arms around him."Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy."He stepped back and said, "No, ma'am, I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday."She jumped at him and she hugged him again fiercely. "Bless the Lord!" she cried. "He sent me a professional!"

CAR JOKES:

2009-06-02T20:20:00.000+06:00

TEXAN JOKE: A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do..""I got one too... see?" the Texan says."Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice.""You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan."Why, actually, yes, I do.""I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?""Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?""Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?""Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?" CAR ACCIDENT JOKE: A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" SELLING CAR JOKE: A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles.One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.""That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car.""Okay," said her friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked her, "Did you sell your car?""No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

MEN & WOMEN FRIENDSHIP JOKE:

2009-06-02T19:51:00.000+06:00

MEN & WOMEN BEST FRIEND: Why are women smarter than men?Because a man's best friend is a dog,Whereas diamonds are a woman's best friend!A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

BEAUTY JOKE:

2009-06-02T19:48:00.000+06:00

WHAT DO WOMEN REALLY WANT? Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch - only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story? The moral is: If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!

MILTRY JOKES:

2009-06-02T19:45:00.000+06:00

ARMY TIME JOKE: On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"The tower responded, "Who is calling?"The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'" MILTRY FUNNY QUOTES: "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance."Aim towards the Enemy."- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."- U.S. Marine Corps"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop"If the enemy is in range, so are you."- Infantry Journal"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."- U.S. Air Force Manual"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."- Gen.Mac Arthur"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."- Infantry Journal"You, you, and you... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt."Tracers work both ways."- U.S. Army Ordnance"Five second fuses only last three seconds."- Infantry Journal"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."- U.S. Navy Swabbie"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."- David Hackworth"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."- Infantry Journal"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."- Joe Gay"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."- Anon"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."- Unknown Marine Recruit"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."- Your Buddies"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."- U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

AIRPORT JOKES:

2009-06-02T19:41:00.000+06:00

AIRPORT MISTLETOE JOKE: It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.""Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."(pause)"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss.""That's not why it's there."(pause)"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?""It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

RETITRMENT JOKE:

2009-06-02T19:39:00.000+06:00

RETIREMENT JOKE: Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?Answer: Tied shoes.Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?Answer: NUTS!Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?Answer: Normal.Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

ALPHABET JOKES:

2009-06-02T19:34:00.000+06:00

ALPHABET JOKES: A is for apple, and B is for boat,That used to be right, but now it won't float!Age before beauty is what we once said,But let's be a bit more realistic instead.Now... The New Alphabet for the aging...A's for arthritis;B's the bad back,C's the chest pains,perhaps car-d-iac?D is for dental decay and decline,E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!F is for fissures and fluid retention,G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;I is for incisions with scars you can show.J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,K is for knees that crack when they bend.L is for libido, what happened to sex?M is for memory, I forget what comes next.N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy', you know.W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?X is for X ray, and what might be found.Y is another year I'm left here behind,Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

AMERICAN HISTORY JOKES

2009-06-02T19:29:00.000+06:00

It was the first day of school in the Marysville, Ohio, school. A new student named Suzuki, son of a Honda executive, entered the fourth grade.The teacher said, "Let's start by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me liberty or give me death?"Only one hand was raised, that of Suzuki. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said."Fine," said the teacher. "Now who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth.'?"Again, Suzuki's hand was the only one raised. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," he said.The teacher said, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki knows more about our country's history than any of you."From the back of the classroom came a quick grunt: "Screw the Japs.""Who said that?" demanded the teacher.Suzuki quickly said, "Lee Iococca, 1982."At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm going to puke."Suzuki put his hand up. "George Bush, to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."Now furious, another student yells "Oh yeah? Suck this."Suzuki jumps up waving his hand. "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."Now with a frenzy, someone shouts, "You little snit. If you say anything else, I'm going to kill you!"Suzuki says calmly, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around, one of the kids says, "Oh damn, now we're in big trouble!"Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."

DESERT & ISLAND JOKES

2009-06-01T16:02:00.000+06:00

ON A LONELY ISLAND: A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely... The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?" RAIL ROAD: A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small." 3 MEN, 3 WISHES: Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, ''Beerrr!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling,''lemonadeee!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!''' THE ISLAND: A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white While the woman ties up the rowboat wit h an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes." . . . "Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!"

TECHNOLOGY JOKES:

2009-06-01T16:00:00.000+06:00

TECHNOLOGY: After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed British scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters, and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots." One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have, therefore, concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless technology." COMPUTER NERDS: A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds." As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license." So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season." "Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

COMPUTER QUOTES

2009-06-01T15:56:00.000+06:00

COMPUTER QUOTES: "Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... " Dan Wineman Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it. Seymour Cray (commenting on virtual memory). There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. Jeremy S. Anderson Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime. "Avoid the Gates of Hell. Use Linux." Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning. "Bill Gates says no matter how much more power we can supply, he'll develop some really exciting software that will bring the machine to its knees." Intel VP David House, In _EE_Times_, 16 October 1989 Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway. Andrew Tannenbaum Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms. Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. If NT is your answer, you don't understand the question The software said it requires Windows 95 or better, so I installed Linux To iterate is human; to recurse, is divine. Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practice. -- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual C isn't that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void. "A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history... with the possible exception of handguns and tequila." Anon.

COMPUTER JOKES:

2009-06-01T15:20:00.000+06:00

JESUS AND THE DAVIL: One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing away. Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell. When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where he left off, but the Devil's screen was black. Satan says, "How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!" Then one person in Hell says, "No, Jesus Saves." TECHNOLOGY: Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows. "I'm getting a Fax," he explains HIGH TECH: Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman finally said, "Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax." VIRUS ALERT: An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!! Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC. Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down. Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte. Prozac virus.......Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Woody Allen virus.........By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card. Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files. Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. Ronald Reagan virus..........Saves your data, but forgets Dr. Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. Oprah Winfrey virus........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no memory. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C. AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS- You're in Chicago but your data is in Singapore. STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before. TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor. PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money. GIRLFRIEND: Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks,A Troubled User (KEEP READING) ______________________________________ REPLY:Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Tech Support

DRUNK JOKES

2009-06-01T15:15:00.000+06:00

DRUNK IRISH MAN: An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again." DRINK DRIVING: An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening". "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" DRINKING BUDDIES: A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18" The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" The bartender asks "so which one died?" "No one." "But you only ordered two drinks!" "Yeah, well, I've given up drinking." THE LADIES ROOM: A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

BRONZE STATUS:

2009-06-01T15:10:00.000+06:00

BRONZE STATUS: A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer." BILL OF RIGHTS: Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench. "Your Honor," said Bob, "I objected because my distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the Bill of Rights." "Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart." Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now? Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says you can't even tell me the first few words." Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." "Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money from his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."

LAWYER JOKES:

2009-06-01T14:52:00.000+06:00

WORLD FIRST PROFESSION: A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional. The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helpd with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman. "No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world. "Wait," Said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter choas?" "And WHO created the chaos?" said the lawyer. THE KIND LAWYER: One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!" LAWYER VECATION: A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?" LAWYER BRAIN: A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for other generic profession brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

BABIES JOKES

2009-06-01T14:44:00.000+06:00

CHILD JOKES: A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?" "No." said the boy. "Why not?" said the judge. "Because she beats me." The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father." "Oh No," cried the boy, "He beats me too." Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?" "I want to live with the Florida Marlins." "Why?" asks the judge. "They never beat anybody." TALKING BABIES: baby was born with the ability to talk. The first thing he said when he was born was, "Are you my mom?" "Why, yes!" his mother said. "I am!" "Well," the baby said, "I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born." Then he looks around the room and says, "Are you my doctor?" "Yes, I am!" says the doctor. "Well, I just wanted to thank you," says the baby, "for taking such good care of me during the delivery." "You're very welcome," says the doctor. The baby looks around the room and says, "Hey, are you my father?" Overcome with pride, his dad says, "Yes, I am!" The baby says, "Come here for a minute. I want to show you something. Bend down." The father complies, and the baby starts poking him in the forehead. "How does that feel?! Hurts, doesn't it?" THREE BABIES: Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here." Then the last baby says," I'm going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"

KIDS JOKES

2009-06-01T14:39:00.000+06:00

10 SLICES OF TOASTE: Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight." The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast. "Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast." "I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father." BURIAL: Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat." DEAD DOG: Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet." NEW BABY: For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!" THY DONT MISS AROUND: A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher: "Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?" "Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt." "Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?" "Oh yes Miss, they don't mess around at those crematoriums."

FORBIDDEN JOKES

2009-06-01T14:34:00.000+06:00

PUSH UPS: A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor. As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home." GLASS EYE: A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?" The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on." The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye." The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see,I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you." The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle." After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!" The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it." IRISH FIGHT: Into a belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp. "What happend to you? asks Sean the bartender. "Jamie O Conner and me had a fight." says Paddy. "That little sh*t, O Conner " says Sean "He couldnt do that to you, he must of had something in his hand." "That he did. says Paddy ''a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licken he gave me with it" "Well'' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didnt you have something in your hand?" ''That I did'' said Paddy..."Mrs. O Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

REVENGE JOKES

2009-06-01T14:30:00.000+06:00

REVENGE A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" DRUNKEN FOOLS Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen." 1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." 1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."

DOCTOR JOKES

2009-05-31T23:34:00.000+06:00

WILL IT HURT MUCH, DOCTOR? A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?""A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?""A little bit.""Now stretch it over your head!" THE DIAGNOSIS A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?""Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.""That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks."Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer.""That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?""Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." AFTER EFFECTS "How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg."Well, doc, 25 years ago ...""Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.""Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine.""Are you sure?" she asked."I'm sure," I said."Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know."I reckon not," I replied. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?""Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

INTERNET JOKES

2009-05-31T23:19:00.000+06:00

TOP TEN LINES FROM INTERNET CHAT ROOMS 1 You're different... I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before. 2 I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile... but tell me more about yourself. 3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited. 4 I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body! 5 I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out. 6 Yes of course I'm female... 7 I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend. 8 No this is my only screen name... You mean you can have more then one? 9 I'm not like most of the guy's/gal's here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop) 10 I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I'm horny and could care less, just type) IN THE BEGINNING... In the beginning was the computer. And God said :Let there be light! #You have not signed on yet. :God.#Enter user password.:Omniscient. #Password Incorrect. Try again!:Omnipotent. #Password Incorrect. Try again!

POLICE JOKES

2009-05-31T23:10:00.000+06:00

THE ESCAPED CONVICT An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.""Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!" DRUNK DRIVING STORIES Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!""No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?""Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

BAR JOKES

2009-05-31T23:05:00.000+06:00

THE SINGING BULLFROG A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist." THE MAGICAL DANCING DUCK A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the

OFFICE JOKES

2009-05-31T22:00:00.000+06:00

Mister Nene, his wife and his son were returning by train to home in Maharastra after taking a trip of South India. Mister Nene was occupying the lower berth, his wife had the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way, the son requested his father to buy him a cup of ice cream to which he readily agreed and got off the train. When they returned, they found that a Gujju bhai who couldn't understand Hindi or Marathi had occupied his son's berth. Outraged, Mister Nene called the TT and asked him to help. TT was a South Indian who stated that he could not understand Hindi, Marathi or Gujarati so it would be better if Mister Nene explained the whole situation to him in English. So Mr. Nene explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child." How the various people search for life partner BEGGAR Bhagwan ke nam pe koi ek biwi de de, Doosre ki nahi to apni hi de de, Bhagwan tujhe ek ke badle do dega, Hillary hogi to Monika bhi dega BANKER Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service. PESSIMIST Why do marriage and mirage rhyme? Because both of them are misleading. LAWYER I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence. BOATMAN Must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Plaese send the photograph of motorboat. SHAAYAR Badi muddat ke baad ek arzoo jaagi hai, Ki hum bhi shadi shuda ho jaye, Kya vajah shadi karane ki jo kahde sahi sahi, To yaroo ab khud se kaam ghar ka hota nahi. BEVDA Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friend come home only seven times a week.Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample. CAR MECHANIC Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition.Should be above average and must run the household at a good average. Dent wont be tolerated especially in the head gear. 10 stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:- 1.At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends Stupid Question:-Hey, what are you doing here? Answer:-Well, it's so hot , there were no cool cabs so I thought I'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre. 2.In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt? Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again or should i try this time." 3.At a funeral:One of the teary-eyed people ask Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people. Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you? 4.At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:-Is the "blah blah blah" dish good Answer:-No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it. 5.At a family get-together. When some distant aunt meets you after years Stupid Question:-Oh wow, you've become so big. Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself. 6.When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask Stupid Question:-Is the guy you're marrying good? Answer:-No, he's a miserable, wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money. 7.When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call Stupid Question:-Sorry, were you sleeping. Answer:-No. I was playing basketball outside and was about to make a basket. What do you think? 8.When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair Stupid Question:-Hey have you had a haircut? Answer:-No, its autumn and I'm shedding...... 9.At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth Stupid Question:-Tell me if it hurts? Answer:-And while I'm telling you, you tell me if you bite. 10.You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks Stupid Question:-Oh, so you smoke Answer:-No, it's a miracle ...........it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!

INDIAN DESI MOTHER

2009-05-31T21:58:00.000+06:00

Indian Desi Mother INDIAN MOM Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a girl roommate Sunita... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye..... Reading his mom' s thoughts, Kumar volunteered," I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I' ve been unable to find the silver chutney (Spicy Paste) jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you? ""Well, I doubt it, but I 'll email her, just to be sure " So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I 'm not saying that you did take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you did not take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Kumar. Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son, I 'm not saying that you do sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now. Love, Mum. A fourth son was born in the home of a minister's family. The father invited his friend to join the celebration and choose a name for the newborn child. "What names have you given to the three elder boys?" asked the friend. "One is Rahmat Elahi-(by God's kindness), the second Barkat Elahi (by God's grace) and the third Mahbub Elahi (beloved of God)," replied the proud father. The friend pondered over the names for a while and replied, "I suggest you name your fourth son, Bas Kar Elahi (God that is enough)." (Following one forwarded by Ashok Dhingara) Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please." The engineer takes the ticket that accountants gave and gets back into their restroom. A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?" (thanks: Rakhi and Anil Singh) One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door. An Indian Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies; I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what.......... he finds there - A Dozen Indians waiting for a free Haircut...... An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. An artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with he risk of being discovered. A lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce,bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. A computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer"

MANAGEMENT JOKES

2009-05-31T21:34:00.000+06:00

Management 101 (Thanks to: Yatin Buch, a friend who just learnt Management and completed MBA at Chapman University) A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.""You must be an engineer," said the balloonist."I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Senior Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." Lesson Number One A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.Management Lesson:To sit and do nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number Two A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull."They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson:Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number Three When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit! Management Lesson:You don't need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do. Lesson Number Four A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! Management Lessons:1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.3) When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut! window.google_render_ad();

YOU AND ME

2009-05-31T21:32:00.000+06:00

U and Me!- Best Jokes on the Internet It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy." (Contibuted by Johnson Lukose ) (Following one contributed by Ashok Dhingara)Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to form two queues -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here." A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.While he was there another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C-monkey, please". The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit the monkey with a collar and a leash and handed it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000". The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C. He's very fast,does tight code,no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. It was wearing a price tag on its collar. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" The shopkeeper said, "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff." The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant." Hubby : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why? Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one ?" Father to son after exam:"let me see your report card." Son : "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents." Three beggars were begging in New York City.The first one wrote "beg" on his broken steel cup and he received ten bucks after one day.The second one wrote "beg.com" on his cup and after one day he received hundreds of thousand dollars. Someone even wanted To take him to NASDAQ.The third one wrote "e-beg" on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent their vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free professional consulting. Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed." Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" (Why would one take wife?) There was a barber in a small US town. One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door. An Indian Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies; I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what.......... he finds there - A Dozen Indians waiting for a free Haircut...... A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he'd heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400.The wife thought about that a moment, then concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands." An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.An artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with he risk of being discovered.A lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce,bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.A computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer"

LALOO YADAVE JOKES

2009-05-31T21:30:00.000+06:00

Jokes about Laloo Yadav Rabri Devi died and went to heaven (Don't Laugh). As she stood in front of yamraj , she saw a huge wall of clocks behind. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"Yamraj answered, "Those are LieCloks. Everyone on Earth has a LieClock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Rabri, "Who's clock is that?" That's Gautam Buddha's. The hands have never moved indicating that he never told a lie."And whose clock is that?" That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life." Rabri asked, "Where's my Laloo's clock?" "Laloo's clock is in my office", replied yamraj, "I'm using it as a ceiling fan. Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on... Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas..So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...".The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down. Laloos family planning policy.."DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR" After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling.Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS THE CAPTION !! Laloo, third from left! After completing a jigsaw puzzle he_d been working on for quite sometime, Laloo proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Laloo brags. "FIVE MONTHS? THAT_S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims. "YOU ARE A FOOL". Laloo replies. "SEE THIS NOTE, IT READS - FOR 4-7YRS". At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED." Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"

PARDES JOKES

2009-05-31T21:24:00.000+06:00

A Pardes was drawing money from ATM, the Pardes behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****)." The first Pardes replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258" A Pardesji called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" He cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "He got in the back seat by mistake." Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner. "Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. A Pardes, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken." Click here for More Sardarji Jokes...page 2 (Following few jokes contributed by Ram Varu) Help, the titanic is going to be drowned! Everybody in the ship is shouting,crying,running or praying to god. Just then an Italian asks the nearby Pardes in the ship. Italian: How far is the land, from here? Pardes: Two miles. Italian: Only two miles? Then Why are those fools making noise. I have got the experiance of swimming even more. The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the surface to ask something again. Italian: Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here? Pardes : Downwards. Pardes to sunita: I want to marry you.Sunita: But I am one year elder to you. Pardes: No problem, then I will marry you next year. Two Pardess went to a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their pocket sandwiches started eating them. " you can't eat your own sandwiches in here" Complained the pub owner. The two Pardess then swapped(Exchange) their sandwiches. Once upon a time, a Pardes saw a boy who wore his cap backwards. Pardes felt that this was a new fashion, and he also decided to wear his pagdi facing the wrong way. While he was on his way to his office, another Pardes saw him and asked; " Pardes aa rahe ho ke ja rahe ho" (Pardes, are you coming or are you going?)

IT-PROFESSIONAL JOKES

2009-05-31T21:18:00.004+06:00

COMPUTER PROFESSIONAL JOKES A typical environment inside any company.. Shows very well how IT department fits in the overall organization. A typical environment inside a computer professional's bedroom... And a small joke... An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.An artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with he risk of being discovered.A lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce,bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.A computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer" And a long one... (contributed by Ashok Dhingara who checks his emails maybe every hour.)An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. At least for a while. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from, and how did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," the software engineer said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up: nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?" "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree." "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware - how did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?" Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?" "No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I couldn't drink another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have made a still How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted,and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is absolutely amazing," he mused. "What next?" When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, brushing her leg against his, "We've both been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all of these months." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing - this was like all of his dreams coming true in one day. "You mean...," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?" (contributed by Ashok Dhingara who may be checking his emails right at this time!!!)

KHAN JOKES

2009-05-31T21:18:00.003+06:00

KHAN is a big-bhai. Khan was bragging to his boss one day,' You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.' Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, khan how about Tom Cruise?' 'Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.' So khan and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, 'khan! Great to see you. You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!' Although impressed, khan's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells khan that he thinks khan's knowing Cruise was just lucky. 'No, no, just name anyone else,' khan says. 'President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts. 'Yes,' khan says, 'I know him, let's fly out to Washington.' And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots khan on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, 'khan , what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.' Well, the boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to khan who again implores him to name anyone else. 'The Pope,' his boss replies.'Sure!' says khan . 'My folks use to live in Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time.' So off they fly to Rome. khan and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Patel says,'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.' And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later khan emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time khan returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, khan asks him, 'What happened?' His boss looks up and says, 'I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, who's that man on the balcony with khan? A khan walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks andneeds to borrow $9,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $9,000 and the interest, which comes to $19.76. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked ut very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $9,000?" The khan replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

LIFE AND WIFE

2009-05-31T21:16:00.000+06:00

Best Jokes on Married People on the Internet Click here for best aniversary jokes Life and Wife Don't take home any impression from this page that I don't love my lovely wife! If you are on my website for more than few minutes, you would have gotten the message- life is incomplete without stock trading and without a wife (spouse). These two things add lot of color and emotions (good and bad) to our life and make it complete (or should I say finished???). To attain success in these two, it takes hard work and discipline, and years of training. However I know most people look for short cuts so let me share my 2 cents worth of experience: For success in short-term stock trading, always keep a stop-loss. For success in married life: When you are wrong, admit it to your spouse; when you are right, keep your mouth shut. A "Husband Shopping Centre" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go. Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?". Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up. Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!"